05 December 2021 | Self-Compassion: When being is enough | KC Ang
As we approach the end of the year, we might pause to reflect on our accomplishments, take stock of our experiences or see how much of that New Year’s resolutions we have completed. That can be a bittersweet affair. In some years, we may experience triumph, feeling proud about what we have attained. We may also experience disappointment for all that we did not manage to achieve. The emphasis on doing (or not doing) is something we are accustomed to. We often evaluate ourselves with a critical inner voice that amplifies our perceived failures and minimizes our successes. Regardless of how well-meaning our critical inner voice is, the effects are we often end up feeling small, insecure, and even incompetent. Not that helpful if that is the only inner voice we are hearing, right? Perhaps this time, we can consider including a compassionate voice in us, which we can discover and cultivate through self-compassion. It is not just about what we have done or have not done; when being is enough.
What is Self-Compassion
So, what is self-compassion exactly? We can see self-compassion as a composition of three main components: (i) self-kindness, (ii) common humanity, and (iii) mindfulness.
Self-Kindness refers to us leaning towards being caring and understanding with ourselves. We will always have weaknesses and flaws. We will come to face difficulties and obstacles that feel overwhelming. However, we deserve to treat ourselves with kindness and gentleness and soothe ourselves in those moments. We are imperfect, and that is ok.
Common humanity involves recognizing that everyone in the world feels terrible about themselves in some way, faces failures, and has blundered in their lives. Our imperfection is a shared human experience. It is common to feel isolated and alone with our flaws and issues, it might not make sense, but the feelings of disconnection can be intense. Yet even this is part of our shared humanness. Being self-compassionate allows us to see this and connect rather than disconnect when suffering.
Mindfulness is about being aware of our experience in the present moment in a balanced way. We notice and acknowledge what we are experiencing while not passing judgement. Only through acknowledgment of our suffering will we extend our compassion towards it. It might sound intuitive that people recognize their suffering. However, because pain is an unpleasant feeling, we often suppress or ignore it. We judge ourselves or try to fix it by doing something. Mindfulness also helps prevent us from getting too stuck in our negative thoughts and emotions, where we over-identify in our pain.
Simply put, self-compassion is about us being open and connecting to our suffering with kindness, non-judgement, and seeing our personal experiences as part of the larger human experience. We are worthy of self-compassion, not because of what we do or who we are. Our very being deserves this compassion that we can give to ourselves.
Benefits of Self-Compassion
When we become more self-compassionate, our resilience improves. Failure would be perceived more as a learning opportunity than a sign of defeat. Rather than allowing our critical inner voice to completely take over, having our compassionate inner voice come into play will enable us to acknowledge our shortcomings and be gentle and patient with any changes we might want to make. In turn, this may also improve our productivity. Practicing self-compassion also has stress-reducing effects. It allows us to effectively identify and attend to our needs rather than over-identifying our pain that can further elevate our stresses. Research highlights the importance of self-compassion for our personal well-being, especially in areas of optimal functioning, realizing potential, and life satisfaction.
How do I start practicing Self-Compassion?
After a lifetime of conditioning and practicing our critical inner voice, it might be difficult for some to discover our compassionate inner voice and practice self-compassion. Here is a suggestion to start:
Taking a self-compassion break:
- Think of the difficult situation that is giving you stress.
- Say to yourself:
- “This is stress/pain/suffering.”
- “It might not feel like it, but I am not alone.”
- Rub your hands together, feel them get warm, and place a hand gently over your heart. Feel the warmth and gentleness of your hand over your heart.
- Say to yourself and give permission:
- “May I be kind to myself.”
- “May I be gentle with myself.”
If you find that Self-Compassion is something you would like to learn more about and would like someone to journey and support you in discovering your compassionate inner voice and cultivate your self-compassion, contact our counsellors at Healing Mind Haven. We all hope to be part of your journey towards well-being.
References
Neff, K. D. (2003a). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223–250.
Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–102.
Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationships between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 7(3), 340-364.