16 January 2022 | Childhood Attachment Wounds & Current Relationship Patterns | Sripriya S.
Have you ever experienced difficulties, conflicts or insecurities in your romantic relationship or other relationships? For some of us, having smooth relationships with our friends, family or a romantic partner can often be a challenge or there might be unhelpful behaviour patterns while dealing with our romantic relationships like, constant feelings of insecurity, unwarranted doubts, or other self-worth issues like ‘Am I lovable?’, ‘Am I enough?’, ‘Am I worthy for this relationship?’ etc.
These behaviours might instigate unhealthy emotional patterns– being clingy, over-protective, over-giving, not having clearly defined boundaries or being stuck in a toxic relationship. The reason is, the way in which we relate with our partners is often through our attachment trauma model. Because the very thing we are trying to create in our life is the same place where we often get hurt deeply.
Why do they happen?
During our stages of development, there were a lot of coded experiences (though we do not remember the exact date and time) which were emotionally traumatic. Those experiences may stand as a good reason for impacting our current relationships. The early developmental experiences could be, lack of emotional connection, lack of bonding with the parents and caregivers, physical and emotional needs that were not been met, or emotional neglect. Each person’s level of needs-satisfaction will be of a different degree, depending on how the parents/care givers were present physically and emotionally. When the need is not satisfied, it overwhelms the nervous system and creates an attachment trauma.
The attachment system within us, is the “physiological built-in operating system” for how we bond, and how we create relationships with others. We use this system in our whole life to function and interact with the world around us. “Intimacy and vulnerability are the gateways to Trauma’’ – they trigger our trauma by attempting to connect and attempting to seek validation. For those of us who have attachment trauma, the moment we try to connect and practice intimacy with the partner, it triggers or activates the attachment trauma and makes us experience difficulty in dealing with the connection.
There is no quick fix as it requires a lot of healing work; Some of the ways to start off are:
Understanding– By looking at your childhood and family dynamics. Also, understanding that you are the product of your history and your family is the place where u have absorbed an inter-generational trauma and that you have inherited the belief of how you are supposed to be in a relationship. “Exploring” is the best way.
Healing your relationship relating– By strengthening yourself. Knowing how to take care of yourself and loving yourself. Knowing clearly what you want and asserting that you are worthy of all the love and intimacy and stepping up confidently in a relationship. Setting boundaries and following them is yet another way of dealing with intimate relationships.
Practicing healthy relating patterns– Finding people and practicing the healthy relationships by allowing yourself to be yourself and finding the right person. Learning the art of creating a qualitative and secured attachment which means, knowing and understanding how open you are for emotional openness and how does people react for that and how you deal with those reactions.
What could be the best possible therapy method for healing attachment traumas?
There are quite a few techniques and therapy methods that are available, but Schema Therapy is proven to be very effective along with a very well-established therapeutic alliance, strengthening and maintaining the healing work.
What is a Schema?
A schema is a cognitive structure that serves as a framework for one’s knowledge about people, places, objects, and events. Schemas help people organize their knowledge of the world and understand new information. While these mental shortcuts are useful in helping us make sense of the large amount of information we encounter on a daily basis, they can also narrow our thinking and result in stereotypes. Toxic childhood experiences are the primary origin of Early Maladaptive schemas.
Schema Therapy is an innovative, integrative therapy developed by Jeffrey Young and colleagues (Young, 1999) that significantly expands on traditional cognitive-behavioural treatments and concepts.
The schemas that develop earliest and as strongest, typically originate in the nuclear family. To a large extent, the dynamics of a child’s family are the dynamics of that child’s entire early world. When people find themselves in adult situations that activate their Early Maladaptive Schemas, what they usually are experiencing is a drama from their childhood, usually with a parent. Schema therapy addresses the core psychological themes that are typical of patients with characterological disorders.
Schema Therapy helps patients and therapists to make sense of chronic, pervasive problems and to organize them in a comprehensible manner. The model traces these schemas from early childhood to the present, with particular emphasis on the patient’s interpersonal relationships. Thus by identifying the schema domain through assessments (with the help of tools like YSQ, YSI etc) and by eliciting the early experiences of the client and working on the deficits will improve the current behavioural patterns in the relationship towards self as well as towards the outer world.
A good therapeutic relationship with a professional therapist will help in the acceleration of the healing work, in addition to a good family and peer support system, and it will also ease a person’s journey to reach the healing goals.
If you find Schema Therapy is something you would like to learn more about, or if you or know of someone who are currently struggling, or stuck in the whirlpool of emotional wounds and trauma, we are here to be alongside and facilitate the work for the desired change in your life. Please feel free to contact our counsellors at Healing Mind Haven. We all hope to be part of your journey towards well-being.
References:
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitionerʹs guide. New York: The Guilford Press.
Special Courtesy: Prof. Alan Robarge, Attachment trauma specialist