24 February 2022 | Surviving to Thriving: The Benefits of Soothing Our Nervous System | Yi Shan Tan
Picture a couple sitting on a couch. As the wife complains, her husband turns away. The more he ignores her, the louder she complains. In another room, their daughter struggles to read her math textbook. She reads the same page over and over again, but her thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations are overwhelming – like a great big tangled ball of string.
What do these three experiences share in common?
While they may look different externally (the wife appears agitated and active while her husband appears cool and passive), all three are likely in the grip of an intense internal experience within their physical body, also known as physiological flooding.
By the end of my article, I hope to
- Raise greater awareness on physiological flooding and its negative impact on our daily life (i.e. relationships, work performance and academic results.)
- Explore alternate perspectives using examples to create deeper understanding, compassion and empathy for others.
- Share body-based skills to manage flooding, which is the first step towards developing inner resilience and reclaiming our self-ownership.
- Offer some hope that with some work, lasting change is possible.
Our Nervous System: A Brief Overview
Some of us may not love our boss. Others may dislike their neighbors. Despite this, we all share at least one commonality that goes beyond skin-deep: our human nervous system.
Briefly speaking, our nervous system is made of two parts. First up is our central nervous system (CNS), which consists of our brain and spinal cord. The second is our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which lies mostly outside the CNS. True to its name, the ANS controls automatic responses like our heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate etc.
Most of us don’t spend much time thinking about our nervous system. In my counselling and therapy practice, some clients have shared that they identify mostly with their brain, while their body is somehow subordinate or separate from it. Not unlike a work-horse to be ridden on, or a robot to be instructed from the control center to do one’s bidding.
While it is certainly possible to feel psychologically distanced from one’s body, it is physically impossible for us to detach ourselves from our bodies, literally. Reason being, it is tied to many automatic functions that kick in involuntarily – whether we like it or not. This includes physiological flooding and its stress responses: fight, flight and freeze.
CNS and ANS in Action
I would like you to picture yourself in a room. The door opens and a tall man walks in, carrying a knife.
Danger! Danger! Danger!
In a split second, our amygdala (brain cells located at the base of our brain) activates. Our prefrontal cortex (front portion of our brain) switches off. As our emotions run wild, we act upon raw instinct. More often than not, our carefully cultivated self-image and decision-making skills go straight down the drain.
Meanwhile, our ANS kicks into gear. Heart hammering. Hands shaking. Cheeks flushing. Some of us may feel an inexplicable need to use the restroom (thereby losing excess water-weight to run away faster!). As all hell breaks loose, a few may push back against the attacker (fight). Most will likely attempt to flee (flight). Still others may find themselves frozen in fear (freeze).
Physiological flooding in Daily Life
Now, one might say, “Oh no. Such a situation will never happen to me.” And I sincerely hope it never does.
This said, it is quite common to see certain persons or situations as a “threat” to us when we are feeling stressed and physiologically flooded. When this happens, our amygdala hyperactivates and our prefrontal cortex disconnects, along with our ability to think rationally, manage our emotions and make good decisions. As we depart further from our calm physiological baseline, we may even “act out” of character and impulsively say or do things that we later regret.
Let us return to our very first example: the couple on the couch and their daughter.
Knowing what we know now about our nervous system, we may start seeing “reality” with a slightly different lens.
By criticizing her husband, the frustrated wife may be “letting out steam” that she feels in her relationship (fight). In her flooded state, she may even mistake him as acting coldly on purpose to assert control over their relationship. In reality, her husband may be struggling to cope with his own flooded emotions in the best way he knows how. In his mind he may be thinking, “Better not to say anything as I will only make things worse.” And so, he continues stonewalling, withdrawing physically and emotionally from his increasingly irate spouse (flight). As their couple-tension escalates, their daughter’s internal flooding sensations may overpower her senses so much that she gives up on studying altogether. Instead, she curls up in bed and “shuts down” as a way to suppress her racing heart, thoughts and emotions (freeze).
Sadly, all three family-members are caught in the grip of their survival-mode, where there is no space for deeper compassion or understanding for each other.
Trauma and Extended Survival Mode
While there is nothing wrong with being in our survival mode temporarily, it is unhealthy to stay in them for extended periods.
Over time, our brains may unconsciously form neuropathways associating certain situations or people (facial expressions, tone of voice etc.) with threat or danger. For example, the above couple may be so flooded that they eventually develop an unhelpful “attack and withdraw” interaction-pattern, which only prolongs their inability to resolve conflicts. Their daughter, who’s similarly unaware of the significance of flooding, might unfavorably compare her academic grades with her peers. As she internalizes her feelings of unworthiness, she may become depressive and develop self-esteem issues.
On a serious note, some of us with a history of volatile or abusive households may have learnt to suppress our emotions and even disassociate from our bodies as it feels so unsafe to inhabit them. According to medical doctor and writer Gabor Mate, these old strategies may have served to ensure our survival in childhood, but in the present? They are like outdated programs that are running unconsciously inside us, wreaking havoc on our nervous system, draining our much-needed energy and sabotaging our significant relationships.
Furthermore, as the ANS is so interconnected, suppressing one’s emotions may release cortisol, a stress chemical that unintentionally alters other automatic functions, such as the immune system – leading to unexpected health problems.
Nervous System Soothing Tips
Having said all this, I believe firmly that there is hope.
While therapy is recommended for deep healing work, couples work and family work, I would like to share some simple and practical techniques that can be used right away.
1 – Daily Deep Breathing
Today, there is well-documented scientific evidence that deep breathing is effective in soothing our nervous system, thereby lowering physiological flooding. Here’s now:
Step 1: Place one hand on your chest and another on your stomach.
Step 2: Breathe in through your nose.
Step 3: breathe out through your mouth.
Step 4: Notice which area is expanding, your chest or stomach. At our calm, physiological baseline, it is the stomach that expands. (Note: it is normal for us to require more time to deepen our breath, especially when stressed or flooded)
Step 5: Repeat steps 2-3 rhythmically for minimum of 15 mins in normal situations. When experiencing physiological flooding, a bare minimum of 20mins is required to lower one’s heart-rate to normal levels.
Pro tip: For greater accuracy, you may use an oximeter to measure your heart-rate. Physiological flooding for the average person occurs above 95-100 beats per minute (bpm), while athletes are above 85 bpm.
2 – Self-soothing Touch
When children are born, our first developing sense is touch, seeking care and comfort from our parents and other caregivers. And yet, in times of COVID-19, many of us may be socially-isolated and feel deprived of our inner need for human touch: a congratulatory pat on the back, a warm hug from a friend, a comforting hand on our shoulder.
Research shows that, placing a hand over one’s heart in moments of stress can help us to recall memories of support and compassion. Simple as it sounds, evidence shows that this physiological soothing exercise can help us to reduce our cortisol levels much more quickly to physiological baseline levels.
I would like to acknowledge that some of us, for personal or cultural reasons, may find the idea of physical touch somewhat uncomfortable. This individual exercise offers us an opportunity to soothe ourselves in a way that we’ve always needed from others. By doing so, we are silently signalling to ourselves that we are safe and well-loved, thereby reclaiming our sense of self-compassion and self-ownership.
3 –Comforting Hug
For spouses and parents, a simple hug or massage can go a long way in supporting and calming down our loved ones.
According to research, hugging can assist in lowering blood pressure and our cortisol levels. Marriage therapists John and Julie Gottman, the founders of the Gottman method couples therapy, empathize the importance of “daily cuddle time” and its impact on happier, long-lasting romantic relationships. By hugging someone for about 20 mins, oxytocin (the “happy hormone”) is released in our brains. This reduces stress and allows us to feel warm and at ease.
Benefits of Counselling and Therapy
Through counselling and therapy, I offer my clients professional help, safety and support to understand themselves more deeply on a holistic (i.e. physical, mental, emotional, behavioral and spiritual) level. As my clients explore their childhood history and family of origin, they begin to connect the dots on why they think, feel and behave as they do.
With this knowledge, we can then proceed to customize a structured approach to practice new skills that actively form new neuropathways. These promote a calmer amygdala and prefrontal cortex (central nervous system), as well deeply soothe the autonomic nervous system. Step-by-step, clients can gain lifetime tools to maintain their physiological baseline and gain mastery over their emotional impulses.
Over time, this opens beautiful “gaps” in their lives, where my clients have the opportunity to build the healthy couple and parent-child connections that they deeply crave from each other.
Finally, as we work on healing our nervous system, we slowly learn to release the energy that was previously used to bottle up and suppress it. For some of us, this frees us up to thrive and truly feel safe in our bodies – sometimes for the very first time.
Written by Yi Shan Tan
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