26 February 2021 | Communicate Better & Avoid Conflict | Jessie Heng
Very often when communication breakdowns happen, we’re usually not fully present in our conversations with others. As pointed out by Eric Berne, instead of reacting to the here and now, we’re communicating from different ‘Ego States’. And when these ego states are crossed, conflict will be triggered. By discovering and understanding our own ego states, we can learn how to have a better and more constructive conversations, and interactions with the people closest to us.
Based on 3 principles in Transactional Analysis:
- We all have three ‘ego states’ (Parent, Adult, and Child)
- We all have transactions (with other people, or internally with ourselves)
- We all activate our ego states in our transactions, which can lead to conflict, negative emotions, pain, etc.
By knowing which of the ego states are present in our interactions with other, we can become more conscious of our thoughts and behaviours, and ultimately have better, more constructive transactions with the people closest to us.
On the other hand, in Gottman’s modality, conflict management may includes:
- understanding partner’s Point of View
- effective listening & validation
- the art of Compromise
- eliminating & replacing the 4 Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling)
- moving from Gridlock to Dialogue
- understanding underlying Dreams
- developing 6 skills for Repair
- processing fights & regrettable incidents
Each of these ways effectively helps couple to create constructive ways of managing their conflict, and improve their intimacy and understanding between the couples. Only when we can effectively communicate and avoid conflict that a satisfactory relationship can start to develop and thrive healthily for a life time.
Schedule a session with us to explore how to move towards better communication and lesser conflicts with your love ones.
*Reference: partial abstract from Natali Morad (How to Use Psychology to Communicate Better and Avoid Conflict) & Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Bridging the Couple Chasm)